So I’ve worked in gyms for the best part of 10 years now and t’s no surprise that every gym out there has the typical stereotypes using them. We’ve all seen the YouTube video of the guys acting out every type of gym stereotype you could imagine.
But it doesn’t stop at the gym floor you know. I’ve recently come to realise that every gym i’ve ever been (or worked) in has pretty much the same characters in the changing rooms. Lets explore that shall we…….
- The bench hogger - This is the guy that feels that he must have every single item from his kit bag organised in piles of dirty, clean, and god knows what that is, spread out across an entire bench which is actually designed to serve 10 lockers at any one time. Feel free to ask him to move his things, but expect that he will give you the dirtiest look and free up a piece of bench big enough to rest one butt cheek on, then carry on with his casual reorganising of his bag.
- The lurker - Yep, we’ve all seen you. Standing menacingly in the corner. Observing as everyone gets undressed or towels themselves down. Nobody is quite sure if you’re a dirty pervert or actually just quite nervous to get changed in front of other human beings, but either way it’s equally disturbing, so just stop it!
- No underwear man - It is no underwear man’s goal in life to dress himself with as many of his clothes as possible before finally putting on his pants. This most commonly starts with the shirt, followed by the tie, socks, watch, cufflinks, anything else that might be available to wear, and then, only when there is nothing else available to wear and his penis has received an adequate amount of oxygen may he proceed to put on his underwear.
- The peacock - There’s always one guy that feels compelled to display himself in all his glory for as long as possible in the changing room. He’ll walk around, flapping in the wind, casually showing the world that he’s proud of his manhood. We get it dude, now put that thing away before you take someone’s eye out.
- The wet dog - Any normal human being understands the concept of drying themselves down before leaving the shower area, it’s just common sense. Not the wet dog, he feels that drying in the showers is for losers, so instead opts to drag water all over the changing rooms and dry himself directly in front of his locker, spraying everything and everyone around him with his excess water. I actually didn’t even know it was possible to remain that wet after leaving the shower!
- Selfie guy - Look for the mirror in the changing rooms with a down-light directly above it, then look at the guy standing in front of said mirror with his phone in hand. That’s selfie guy! More time will be spent finding the perfect angle and lighting to show off his abs (or lack of) than will actually be spent in the gym actually getting abs. He will then spend the next 20 mins choosing a suitable filter to further highlight any definition he may have.
- The squeezer - Yep, the squeezer does exactly that, he squeezes. Most people are a little embarrassed by their spots, but not this guy. He’ll squeeze and squeeze until he has sufficiently milked his face, or his chest, or wherever else he might have seen a spot emerging. I don’t usually hang around long enough to find out, but I hope to god he wipes the mirrors after!
- The socialite - It is my belief that changing rooms are a sacred place. A place where men go to change before and after a hard gym session, where one can reflect on the session they just completed, or psych themselves up for the session ahead. Therefore I DO NOT wish to have a conversation with you about pretty much anything. Sport? No! Work? Bugger off! Training? Go away! possibly the only thing i will accept in this environment is a passing comment that i’m looking good at the moment, after all who doesn’t like to be told that, just don’t expect me to say it back!
- The presenter - Now when i say present, I don’t mean in the sense of a TV presenter or something like that. No, I mean like in the animal sense. This guy really wants to you see every bit of detail between his crack when he decides to bend over directly in front of you. Timing is key for this guy and he usually waits until you’re sitting on a bench, putting on your socks or tying your shoelaces before he decides the time is right. If he gets his timing spot you are actually close enough for the hairs on his arse to brush your nose.
- The blowdryer - Most people understand that those big, white, fluffy things, that are rolled up on the shelf are designed specifically for drying yourself with. The humble towel has been used for hundreds of years as a proven technique for drying one’s body after a shower. Therefore it frustrates the hell out of me when I see a man stood at the mirror, using the hairdryer (Yes mate, the clue is in the name) to dry his ENTIRE body from top to toe, and paying particular attention to ensuring that his genitals haven’t got even a molecule of moisture left on them. It is a) an extremely un-economic way of drying yourself b) disgusting c) Something that you can guarantee this guy does NOT do at home, so why the hell is he doing it? STOP IT!
If you’re reading this and find yourself thinking “hmm I actually do that”, I can officially tell you that you are definitely annoying someone, so stop it! If you do more than one of the above, then i’m sorry but you are officially a terrible person and should hang your head in shame, never to taint the sacred place that is the mens changing rooms with your antics ever again!
If you have any other funny stereotypes in your gym please feel free to comment below and maybe I will write a top 10 worldwide stereotypes.